Who you gonna call?

How about my mother!

My mother, a post depression baby, was born during the days of getting by with what you had, and utilizing everything the best you could.

So having been raised in this frugal way; in addition to growing her own huge garden (starting most of it from seed), taking care of every stray animal in town (including my father), and cooking three full meals a day, my mother once used her high school education and rotary telephone, and fortified with black coffee and cigarettes, she, in her spare time, once brought a Big Shot (her name for him) to his knees and had him begging for mercy by the time she was done with him.


She related the following story to me and for simplification her comments to me will be in italics.

It all started when Wuth (Ruth) her neighbor from across the street called in a panic after returning from a two week visit with her family.

Wuth's husband, Biwwy (Billy) had recently passed away. It had been a second marriage for both of them and unfortunately Biwwy and his first wife had a propensity for giving their offspring names that had contained l's or r's and as luck would have it Biwwy couldn't pronounce either. The family included Wandy (Randy), Tewwy (Terry), Wegis (Regis), and Wawwy whom I took to be Raleigh but was actually Wally which totally blew me away and from then on when meeting Biwwy's family I would just nod vigorously and smile like an idiot and hope that I wouldn't be called upon to address any of them by name.

Wuth (who could pronounce her l's and r's but we called her Wuth behind her back anyway) had gone to visit her own family after Biwwy passed away but not before deciding that in all fairness she needed to remove Biwwy's name from all of her utilities.

Unluckily for Wuth the electric company got their wires crossed (pun intended) and 'oops' shut off power to the house.

Wuth was apprised of the situation when upon returning home and opening her front door she was dealt with the unbelievable stench of rotting meat, spoiled milk, and decomposing vegetables.

This was because Wuth's huge refrigerator and upright freezer, both of which had been packed to bursting with every vegetable she'd sown from her garden, and every critter her family had shot, snared or trapped, had had two weeks in which to thaw. The resulting melted gelatinous mass had seeped from her refrigerator and freezer and had worked it's way across the kitchen and had been sucked up greedily by her living room carpet.

Wuth did what every respectable citizen in my little swamp town does when faced with an emergency.

She called my mother.

Putting down her cup of coffee and lighting another cigarette, my mother said, "I'll be right over."

After appraising the situation, Mom gathered Biwwy's kids (they're from Biwwy's first marriage but they love Wuth) together and told them to make a list of all the food that had been lost and to call the electric company and inform them that Wuth would be sending a bill for new carpet. And as there was no way a refrigerator or freezer could be reused after such a catastrophe, the appliances would be replaced too.

"Jesus Christ. I have to do everything!" Mom told me. "Biwwy's kids just stood there staring at me and I told them, 'Get your asses to the store and get prices on everything!' Now!"

Wuth informed my mother the next day that the electric company upon receiving Wuth's demands had basically informed Wuth that she could go pound salt.

My mother was incensed and went straight home, got on her old rotary dial phone and called the electric company herself.

"God damned automated telephone systems!" My mother complained. "I don't have one of those fancy touch tone phones and it took forever to get a real person on the line! What the hell has happened to customer service anyway! Back in my day..."

Whoever answered my mother's call basically told her that she could go pound salt.

"Get me a supervisor!" She yelled.

They did and the supervisor basically told Mom that she could go pound salt.

"Listen to me!" Mom shouted. "My first cousin once removed is an attorney (he is) and he would love to take on this case (he wouldn't) and if this woman doesn't get restitution and fast, she's gonna sue your ass off, do you hear me?"

The next day, Fred Feeblemeister from the electric company showed up at Wuth's.

He listened to Wuth's tale of woe and offered her a couple of hundred dollars which Wuth would have gladly accepted if my mother hadn't been there.

"Absolutely not!" my mother stood firm. "You will replace this woman's appliances and carpet and you'll pay her for the food she's lost."

Fred Feeblemeister tried to bluff a little but he'd never met anyone like my mother and pretty soon he scooted out of there with his tail between his legs. In the meantime Biwwy's kids had inventoried the spoiled food and had ripped up the stinking carpet. A day later Wuth called my mother and joyfully told her that the electric company had arranged to deliver a new refrigerator and that it had just arrived.

Mom took one look at it and declared it to be completely unacceptable.

"It was a piece of shit." She told me. "They sent this cheap piece of crap refrigerator and thought that would take care of everything. So I had to get on the phone again and call those idiots and I told them to come and get the damn thing and that I was calling Cousin Tim."

Joe Blowhard (Big Shot) from the electric company was the next executive to swagger onto the scene in an effort to remove this boil from the electric company's butt once and for all.

My mother was ready for him.

In a bored tone Joe Blowhard wearily informed Wuth, "We offered you this lovely refrigerator for your trouble and that is more than generous. Heck we were even going to give you twenty cents on the dollar for the food you claim was spoiled and normally we would never do that! But we care." He also very pointedly ignored my mother.

"That's hogwash and you know it." My mother told him.

"We probably took him away from some big golf match or an afternoon tryst with his slutty secretary," My mother told me later when she was relating this story. "Mom! You don't know any such thing!" I exclaimed. And Mom (who reads way too many Sidney Sheldon novels and hasn't worked in an office since 1955), shot back with, "I know exactly what goes on in the business world, I've been around you know!"

"And who are you?" Mr. Joe Blowhard asked my mother with a sneer.

Bravely stepping in front of Wuth my mother proudly stated, "I am her advocate." And Wuth who so far had said nothing, leaned around my mother and nodded.

Mr. Blowhard, wearily and with many big deep sighs, made a couple of very 'important' cell phone calls. Poor Wuth was shaking in her shoes and if not for my mother she probably would have offered to pay Mr. Blowhard restitution for all the trouble she was causing him.

A lot of jousting between my mother and Joe ensued and my mother was beginning to worry that she'd actually have to call Cousin Tim when she hit the jackpot.

Joe Blowhard had gone outside to take yet one more 'important' cell phone call when he made the huge mistake of standing in front of an open window. An open window of which my mother was on the other side.

"Oh my God, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven!" Mom said. "I heard him say, 'I've got the old biddy over a barrel and I'm done with her. That's the law.' and then there was a pause and then he said, 'Pennsylvania, why?' And there was another pause and he said 'What the hell do you mean Pennsylvania and Ohio aren't the same thing? The law is the law!' and then he said, 'Oh shit, I'll see what I can do' and hung up."

Mr. Blowhard came back in the house and he was sorry. He was so very sorry that he was rescinding his offer and he was taking the refrigerator back. He'd been a good guy, a stand up guy, but by golly a good guy can only do so much and if Wuth was going to be so unreasonable (and he hung his head because Wuth had hurt his feelings) he was taking his refrigerator and going home.

Mom laughed in his face and asked him what he took them for__ stupid?

"Huh," Joe's head snapped up.

"I said, do you think we're stupid? Just where are you from anyway?"

And poor old Joe answered, "Ohio."

"Well, no wonder!" my mother laughed derisively. "You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy! You're in Pennsylvania and the laws in Pennsylvania are totally different than those in Ohio. Maybe you should have done your homework."

"Huh?" another brilliant response from Joe.

"You are cooked! You are done! I'm calling Cousin Tim right now and we are taking you for everything!" and she headed for Wuth's phone.

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Joe cried. "Now let's be reasonable! I think this can be settled to every one's satisfaction! I'll tell you what, you can go get whatever refrigerator and freezer you want, we'll replace your carpet, and we'll give you fifty cents on the dollar for the spoiled food."

It was all Mom could do not to kick up her heels with glee, but instead she turned to Wuth and in a somber tone said, "Wuth, I think that Mr. Joe Blowhard here has come up with a very reasonable offer and I think you should seriously consider it."

And then Wuth, who up until now had never uttered a word or an opinion, decided to get in on the act and wringing her hands said, "Well, I don't know."

My mother almost died.

Speaking very calmly, Mom said (with her hands clenched at her side and not around Wuth's neck), I really think that Mr. Blowhard appreciates what you've been through and I think that you should probably accept his offer."

And finally, reluctantly, Wuth did.

After some quick paper signing everything was settled and Wuth got her new carpet, new appliances, and a trip to the grocery store.

Joe Blowhard is probably still wondering what the hell happened.

This allowed Mom to get back to her gardening, and baking, and local township meetings where "every one is in everyone else's back pocket and Goddamn it we all know who's been stealing the bingo money from the fire hall and if someone doesn't do something about it, I will!"

Hans recently suggested that we all go together and get my parents a computer this Christmas. I was just starting to agree with him because we could send emails and pictures especially when we're away on the boat and then I remembered the above story. And I decided that if my mother could shake the rafters of a major utility with an old rotary dial telephone, who knows what havoc she could wreak with a computer? It would probably only take her seconds to find a direct phone line to the president, and then look out!

"You know what, Honey?" I said to Hans. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

This isn't really cheating is it?

Imagine seeing this, only twice the size (minus the muzzle restrainer), looking at you while you clean a house.

For comparison sake, this is my grand-dog Duncan who weighs 45 pounds.

Today we arrived at a new client's house and were greeted by Chuck, an 80 pound Pit Bull mix. He immediately took my arm in his mouth and wiggled with glee. Luckily I recognized this gesture as a sign of affection and didn't faint with fear.

We'd already cleaned two houses and this was our third but thanks to Chuck I didn't mind a bit. He became my good friend and I took many opportunities to stroke the soft fur under his chin, scratch his head, and rough up his ears as often as I could.

He insisted I play tug of war a couple of times but I was smart enough to brace myself first or I may have found myself flung into the next county. These are such high energy dogs and they are so lovable and full of life.

But I really did have a deja vu moment when, after being let out for a 'break', Chuck came to the door and insisted on being let in.

And I saw Duncan all over again.

I think I'm in love!

Deep fried foods are not a substitute for spinning class...

... no matter how you try to rationalize it!

It's been a week since I took my first spinning class and, like giving birth, the pain has faded into the distance. I was all set to do it again tonight but Hans informed me that we were going to dinner with a some people he does business with.

I'm now home after eating huge deep fried mushrooms, deep fried zucchini, breaded fried onions, tortilla chips with jalapenos drenched in melted cheese, and a lot of beer.

Add to this a huge dose of PMS and I don't even want to know what kind of nightmares I'm going to have tonight.

I joined a gym almost two months ago to try and rid myself of the ten pounds I've put on in the last two years. Five pounds per year to be exact.

It's taken me about seven weeks to lose a grand total of two pounds!!!!

This has been one long haul and while I'd like to blame my almost 50 years for it, I think what I'm putting into my body may have a lot more to do with it!

And I'm not overly thrilled with the purse I'm working on and the fact that I'm supposed to cut 1/4 inch slashes around the entire perimeter of the damned thing has me thinking this might not be a real good idea at this time!

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; thank God I'm not a surgeon!

Let's get busy with a new project.

Halloween is over, Helga has gone home, and I picked up an on sale pattern.


Like I really need any more patterns.


I had yesterday off so I spent the day cutting out and assembling a new bag.
At least I tried to.
I cut out the pattern in the living room and then I headed to the sewing room. But where the hell were the facing pieces? I couldn't find them.
Anywhere.
I must have some PMS kicking into gear because I threw a fit and at one point accused the Countess von Chlorox of stealing them. Poor Hans even tried to help. I went through the pattern envelope countless times, and even looked through the Halloween Costume pattern envelopes just in case I stowed them there.
No go.
C'MON!!!!!
We then went through the garbage can where I'd thrown my pattern scraps.
Nothing!
I then felt just like a co-worker from years ago who came to work one morning and relived a fight between her and her husband that occurred when she misplaced a carving knife. After an evening of tears and meltdowns, the knife was found behind the faucet, where it had slipped earlier.


Anyway Hans finally found piece # 14 completely balled up in the garbage. Only after 3 more forages through the same damned garbage I came up with piece # 13.
Then I couldn't find my glasses. And where the hell did the cap to my erasable pen go? This happened over and over again.

By the time I had my ducks in a row I could have had the damn thing done.
Then I discovered that the flap is a continuation of the back piece and therein lied my problem. The fabric I wanted to use has words printed on it and for it to flip over the top as a flap meant that it would read upside down.
Can I ever for once in my life do anything the easy way??

Long story short, I made the front and back from the same piece and created a separate flap to be sewn into the back seam so that when it flips over to the front it's not upside down!



I'm using the purse in the lower left corner.

It's huge.

It should probably have a lot of structure.

I'm out of interfacing.



















The white handle is for sizing only and won't be on the finished project.



I'm beyond tired.

I got home from work (2 huge houses), met with Vet Tech Girl and my exceptionally smart, grand-dog Duncan the Pit Bull, who can sit, shake hands, and high five, (although not necessarily in that order) had dinner and a bath, and was in my pajamas by 6:15.



Once again I'll blame PMS because I didn't even go to the gym!




I'll think about the structure and stabilizing tomorrow if I have the energy. One of the houses I'm due to clean is a massive 3 story home full of marble and stainless steel!

This whole working thing is interfering with my sewing!

Introducing Cousin Helga

What a whirl wind weekend!

Cousin Helga blew in from Germany with one thing on her mind.

"Find me ze man!" She bellowed.

So I dressed her up and back to my hometown we went. Helga is pretty outgoing and boisterous so I very politely tried to convince her that ladylike behavior might work in her best interest.



Here she is. Cousin Helga dressed up for the evening.

My, what strong legs she has. And a great personality too!
















I thought it would make her feel better if I dressed like someone from the old country too.

















I love the way the lighting makes my vest looked like it's strained to the nth degree!!












This big Scotsman already had a date but he wouldn't leave Helga alone! "Where's my big boned gal!" He would cry and then he and Helga would belly slam each other. This went on far too many times and left me standing on the side lines.










Helga enjoying a liquid refreshment.


















The ladies were far too eager to adjust Helga's bosoms after she vulgarly announced, "Ze airlines, zey take my brassiere! Zey say it was for zecurity issues!"


Helga tried to reciprocate and adjust the other ladies bosoms, but I made her stop!

The DJ started some Shania Twain music and this is what Helga looked like after shouting, "I feel like ze voman!" and hitting the dance floor. She has quite a dance repertoire ranging from can-can to seductive apron swishing.

Everyone watched her with amazement.

Even though Helga has led a sheltered life she is one of those girls born with that inner feminine knowledge. You know what I mean? The kind who know when to toss their hair, even if it's not out of place, all night long!

By the end of the night I had long quit worrying about whether Helga would be popular or not and realized I hadn't felt like such a wallflower since High School!

My main job of the evening.

Adjusting Helga's outfit!

Modesty you know!

Helga showing her appreciation for the lovely evening.

Now I know what Dr. Frankenstein felt like!

I've created a monster!!!!!

Last Minute Laura Strikes Again!

Halloween is Saturday (today is Thursday).

I've had my Halloween Costume Patterns for about 2 months now (Butterick sale).

So of course I didn't start work on our costumes until yesterday.

I mean, what's the rush?

I started in on things after work yesterday and sewed until 11:30 PM. Today was my day off and I started sewing as soon as I woke up. Hans had left early in the morning for some appointments and when he walked in at two in the afternoon, I still hadn't showered (ooooh!) but kept right on sewing.

Then for some insane reason I quit long enough to go to my first ever spinning class. I think even my eyelashes were sweating, and I went so far as to accuse our instructor of being the spawn of Hitler. She just bared her teeth at me and pedaled harder.

I got home and hit the sewing machine once again, sans shower. After awhile I couldn't even stand myself and it reminded me of some of the people I've stood behind in grocery store lines.

After two days of marathon sewing, adventuring outside after sunset two times in my 'not so nice after dark neighborhood' to pound grommets (because I can only do this on cement), I finally finished!!!!

I'm very thankful that I only have one house to clean tomorrow as the 'post construction' job that was to follow the first house, has been bumped to Monday.

Post Construction clean up is hell! Especially in furnished homes.

My back is starting to seize up and I don't know if it's from bending over the sewing machine and ironing board, or from the Spinning From Hell episode.



Anyway we have to head back to my home town tomorrow because the guy who wants to buy my house is getting a VA loan, and apparently the VA inspection team all suffer from hemorrhoids and PMS, and will go out of their way to find issues with the homes of nasty people attempting to sell their homes to vets!



While we're there we are going to a few Halloween functions and I intend to get pictures of these damned costumes!!!









I took this picture when we were in Trier, Germany (from about 4 stories up so I really had to zoom in) and it's a small hint to what we'll be wearing.



















Like I said, it's a hint so don't just assume (never assume!!!) anything!!!








Please stay tuned for the unveiling!!!

*****I've added a link to my reference to 'spinning'. I can understand that someone might think I was talking about spinning wool, and believe me, that would have been a lot more fun!

What was I thinking??!!

We're headed for our boat tomorrow (Annapolis), and instead of packing, I was stupid enough to watch The Perfect Storm!
Even though we're going to be in the Chesapeake and not in the ocean, that still wasn't a smart move on my part.
I'm not sure if I ever told you about the time we went to the Crow's Nest when we were in Gloucester, Massachusetts, shopping for a boat, but we did.

It was a beautiful weekend in January (the previous weekend had found the city buried in snow!) and we headed into town to get something to eat. Hans saw the Crow's Nest sign and insisted it was the same bar from the Perfect Storm and that we should go in. I said no way was it the same bar, that I had no problem with going in, but there was absolutely no way he was to ask them if this was THE Crow's Nest. I felt it would be in very bad taste considering that all the men aboard the Andrea Gail had died.

Hans agreed with me and then as soon as we were seated he asked the barmaid if this was the bar from The Perfect Storm.

Before I could choke him, the barmaid said it certainly was.

I told her I was sorry (while I kicked Hans, sitting on the bar stool beside me), and remarked that she must be sick to death of people asking this question.

"Hey, it's good for business!" she laughed, and hauled out a huge photo album that she dropped in front of us, and then left to wait on other customers.

So Hans and I leafed through the album and looked at pictures of George Clooney, Diane Lane, and people from Gloucester, whoop it up and party and have an all around good time.

I found it a bit disconcerting yet also fascinating.

Before we left we stopped and looked at the pictures of the captain and crew, from the Andrea Gail, that adorn the walls of the bar.

I guess if it's good for business, then they didn't die in vain.

Here is Hans outside of the Crow's Nest. I have to say it was a rather dim and dreary place. They also didn't serve food so we only had one beer before we moved on.

There are many sea themed statues in New England. This is a wife, with her kids, awaiting her husbands return from the sea.

She's probably wondering when the hell he's going to get back because she could use a break!

We expect rain on Saturday other wise I hope it's a Perfect Weekend.

Keep your fingers crossed!!

I only pray that I don't jinx myself with this, BUT!!!!!

I got an offer on my house!!

After eight months on the market!!

I had a bare bottom, minimum amount in my head and that's what was offered. But I hadn't bargained on paying the buyer's closing costs, and apparently the buyer thinks I should.

Allrighty then.

I also had a new stove and refrigerator installed last month and I have to pay for that too. Then there's the Home Warranty Protection Plan that the buyer insists on my taking care of (at the tune of an additional $450.00). Oh, how about my expensive sectional furniture and the house saving dehumidifier? Throw them in too, insists the buyer!

Factor in my closing costs, and the realtor's fees and WOW! What the hell was I thinking when I decided to buy a house 12 years ago? I would have been better off renting and therefor saving myself a chunk of change because during those 12 years I:

Replaced my furnace (not cheap).

Installed new gutters, garage door, porch railing, 2 outside doors, 2 screen doors, ceiling lite/fan, and fluorescent lights in the basement.

I'm going to be lucky to recoup my down payment.



And that's only if some damned inspector doesn't step in and question my paint color choices!!!!




On a lighter note, I went to check on Baby Girl and her crazy cat Evvy.


Evvy is still crazy.

I've never seen so much energy in one cat in all my life (and it's been a long one believe me!)


Here she is before one of her many leaps. She seems to defy gravity and goes from sitting still to hanging off sofas, chairs, and my leg at any given moment.








Aha, this leaf will never darken Baby Girl's doorstep again!





















Mid leap!

After peeling Evvy and her thousand claws off various parts of my anatomy, Baby Girl got out the spray bottle.

One spray had Evvy flipping through the air and across the room where she landed on a plastic bag that Evvy deemed to be 'safe'.

This went on for the duration of my visit. All I had to do when Evvy zinged herself at me, was point the bottle at her, and she would retreat to the bag.

I tried to take pictures but the wrist strap on my camera was too tempting and SPLAT, Baby Girl would have to give her a squirt.

I even got into the act and at one point when I let Evvy have it, Baby Girl protested, "MOM!!! She wasn't even doing anything!"

"Well, I just want her to know who's boss." I explained myself.

I have to wonder just how much Cat Nip this kitty's mother did before giving birth!

It's all in the translation

We were sitting at an outdoor cafe on a canal in Amsterdam with Baby Brother and Partner when Hans brought up the subject of the Rosetta Stone (don't ask me how these discussions get started because I haven't a clue!). He had just mentioned the three languages that appear on the stone and Baby Brother corrected him. It turns out there are two languages and three scripts. The languages being Egyptian and Greek, and the third script is demotic which is another form of hieroglyphics.

This is the kind of repartee that goes on in Hans' family. In my family everyone tries to remember which neighbor got drunk and threw fish in our swimming pool.

But anyway, by the time we arrived in Germany (with the Traveling Pie) I'd forgotten the Rosetta discussion. We traipsed around Trier and took in the sights which include the largest Roman gate still standing, and a church that has been burned down and rebuilt so many times that I hope the next invaders realize that destroying it would be redundant.

We had just passed the old sight of a nun's cloister when we saw this graffiti scrawled all over an ancient wall.

I remarked that perhaps about a zillion years from now when aliens excavate this area they'll try to figure out what civilization left their writings upon these walls.

That's when Hans (who does not share my sense of humor) surprised me and said in a somber voice, "I hope they have someone who can decipher the Graffiti Stone."

This made me laugh for the rest of the day.

There's no such thing as free!

So on Friday we got a late night call from a friend inviting us to a $100.00 a plate charity dinner being held on Saturday night.

For free!

"Oh boy! Count us in!" We cried.

So why the hell did this 'free' $100.00 a plate function end up costing so much?

Well for one thing, as soon as soon as I heard 'cash bar' I knew we were in trouble. And then Hans informed me that that it was a formal event and I knew I was sunk.

Sure, it's easy for Hans who has a suit and plenty of ties.

But what was I supposed to wear?

After shooting down every wardrobe suggestion Hans made, "How many times to I have to tell you I've gained five pounds this year!!! " I had a bit of a brainstorm.

Remember this dress?

I decided that with the right shoes and purse I might be able to pull it off.

But that meant a trip to the shoe store.

Long story short, I found a very pretty pair of ruby red slingback sandals.

Pricey slingback sandals.

And then the clearance rack sucked me into its vortex. I had no control.

I added a pair of sandals that, get this, look like cork!!!!!!!! Not just the soles, but the sandals themselves! I'm not kidding! Cork! And I have cork fabric that I fully intend to make into a dress and how cool would it be to have a cork dress with matching cork shoes??!!










The only pair they had and they were actually in my size!!!!!

Cork!

Here is one of the shoes I bought sitting beside a tiny amount of left over fabric that I saved from my dress. Thank God I saved that scrap because it ended up becoming a purse.


I arrived home with an hour to spare before we had to leave for our function and I still had to make the purse.




I scrambled through my purse supplies and was terribly lucky to find a matching zipper, and a huge gold bracelet sized ring, and I immediately set to work.


I finished with seconds to spare.







This was a dinner boat cruise and here I am on the deck of the boat.


You can barely see my purse and shoes.









This isn't the greatest picture. My top stitching is wonky but I was in such a hurry I couldn't agonize over it too much!


When we first arrived at the boat I was initially horrified to see the formal, dignified attire of some of the women. We had no sooner set foot on the boat when one man rushed up to us and from the way he greeted us I know he thought Hans was an executive from the huge corporation that sponsored the event. We both laughed over that and I told Hans that I hoped no one realized I was wearing a slightly bastardized version of a Simplicity sundress, and he took me by surprise and made me laugh by saying, "I'm more worried about your Goodwill coat." (A beautiful full length black leather coat that he bought me on one of our thrifting trips!).



But I have to tell you I received tons of compliments all night long from: a lady in the elevator, the girls who dispense soap in the bathroom, a barmaid, guests on the boat, etc...


I actually started to feel a little foolish.






The best thing of all about my purse is that it was able to hold our two complimentary candy bars just perfectly (I placed them outside of the purse so you can see)!




Look at that!










So after you figure in two new pairs of shoes, a cash bar where two drinks pretty much killed a twenty dollar bill (and two drinks were just a start), a couple of drinks after we got off the boat, and parking garage fees, it wasn't such a bargain of a night after all.


But at least I didn't have to click my heels together to find out that there's no place like home!